I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
