Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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