dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
