Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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