obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
