I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
