Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
