if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
