I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
