remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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