the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
