i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
