I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
