In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
