Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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