Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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