The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
