Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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