I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
