I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
