White coat. Heels.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
