The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
