You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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