I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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