Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
