On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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