So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
