Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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