You can't special order awesome
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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