Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
