Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
