So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
