haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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