when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
