I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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