She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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