She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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