During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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