cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
