Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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