My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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