my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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