through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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