There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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