sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
