Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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