mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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