today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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