I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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