Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
