I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
